I’m My Own Worst Enemy — Airing it All Out
I’ve been struggling with self worth issues my whole life and for the past 2–3 years I’ve been in a serious battle with myself.
When I was about 17, my mental health took a turn for the worse. All of the loneliness and childhood trauma I’d experience got to me. I went through some of my toughest days, weeks, even months, from the ages of 17–19. I almost lost my mother in a car accident, my dad doesn’t talk to me anymore, there was a point where I didn’t know if I could continue to live in the home I currently live in, I lost one of my closest friends because I chose not to share what was going on. I let all my trust issues and survival mechanisms that I developed to exist in a hard world affect my closest personal relationships. I’m hurt. I’m aching. I struggle so hard with loneliness and I seldom feel safe.
When I was 18 I seriously considered suicide and I did again at age 20 in the August of 2017. Call it depression, PTSD, I really don’t know what it is, I’m passed caring about labels. I’m not okay and it’s very difficult for me to pinpoint the last time I felt like I was.
It’s hard to be black and talk about your mental health, it’s hard to be a male and talk about your mental health. But that’s why I’m fucking writing this. When I really wanted to kill myself and I trudged through those two weeks of deep, debilitating depression, I realized that I have to come out and say this. I have to try my best to make it okay, to not be okay. I have to push the narrative concerning mentally ill black men from families that don’t understand mental illness, I have to do something for people who grew up like me and really let their upbringing fuck them up. I feel like I have to tell everyone that grew up like me that no you aren’t damaged goods, you’re allowed to want to feel loved. You’re allowed to be afraid. It’s okay to come out and say that the people who were supposed to be there for you, that weren’t, did you wrong.
I can’t be in the closet anymore, my name’s Kyle and I’m not okay. I’m really, really not okay, and that’s okay. I see a therapist, I cry by myself sometimes, I get angry at my loved ones, I feel neglected, dejected and lonely. I fear for my own safety to a point that’s not normal. I’m holding back tears writing this, but this is how I really feel and I carry this with myself on a daily basis.
If you feel like this, I love you and I want you to know that it’s okay to tell people, it’s okay to get help and admit that you’re not okay.
I don’t think that this should affect how anyone sees me or anyone else who feels like this, this is normal. It’s okay to be depressed, anxious, paranoid, don’t try to swallow these problems and hide them under the rug. Take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.
List of international suicide hotlines
Gestalt Institute of Toronto (Affordable therapy)
If you know of any other resources please let me know and I’ll add them
